short pants romance

I'm reaching that point where I've been at my job for so long that I'm "outliving" all my coworkers. Working for a company with lots of other people in their 20's has been great, I've made a ton of friends here, which is a pretty unique situation. But in the past year, my friends are dropping like flies. Three of them have left in the past three months, another really good friend is leaving early next year. It makes me feel like I'm overstaying my welcome here, or like some jackass that you see wearing shorts in December - it's time to give up the dream and accept that the weather has changed.

There are several things keeping me where I am:
1. I have a golden handcuffs sort of situation going on. Most people leave here because they don't get paid enough, or they're stuck in the same position and can't seem to get anywhere. However, I'm in the unusual situation where I get paid very well (at least I think I do) and I think the higher-ups envision me growing, taking on more responsibility and advancing in the company. I've already progressed pretty far in the five years that I've been here, especially since I was practically told when I was hired that there wasn't a lot of places for me to go from that position. The problem is, I'm not sure I want a lot of responsibility and growth, at least not for a company that I don't really care about or feel proud of. The higher-ups here think that everyone should be thanking their lucky stars for the chance to work at such an amazing company. They think we all eat, sleep and breathe the brand. I feel sort of bad, because to me it's just a way to pay the bills, so the last thing I want is some sort of high position where I'm expected to work long hours and bow to the corporate identity. On the other hand, I work long hours already, so what's the difference? The thing with a company that's so in love with itself is the fact that they expect you to make it the focus of your life, which I'm not really prepared to do.


Here's a perfect example: When I came back from Hawaii, the head of the brand saw me in the hallway and asked, "How was it?" To which I responded (perhaps inappropriately) "It was amazing, I didn't want to come back." To which she responded half-jokingly, "You're not supposed to say that to me." As if there were some sort of actual competition between Hawaii and my job. As if what I *should* have said was, "Well, it was ok, but I really couldn't wait to get back to work!"

2. Deep down, I still have very little self esteem. Most people don't believe me when I tell them that, but I think it creeps out in different ways. I don't think that I'm really good at anything, or at least not good enough to make a job out of it. I'm good at what I do here mostly because I've been here for so long and I know everything backwards and forwards. I'm sort of half good at a bunch of different things, but not enough to get a job doing that. Like I'm good at HTML, but no one needs someone who just does HTML. I'm good with Photoshop, but usually any jobs involving that are more on the creative side, which I am not. As a result, I look at job listings and just presume that I'll never be able to find something that I can actually do. I'm not the sort of person who can try to sell themselves in an interview, and I'm scared to death of getting in over my head at a job I can't actually do.

Ultimately I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't think it's this, but on the other hand maybe if I were working for a non-profit or a company I respected more, I might enjoy my job more. Or maybe I need to realize that a job is just a job and that I just need more outside hobbies to fill my life.