I think I am simultaneously frightened by and in awe of Martha Stewart. On the one hand, she's this freakish Howard Hughes-esque perfectionist who would most certainly commit hari-kari (which should actually be hara-kiri, according to the all-knowing Wikipedia) if someone spilled a glass of red wine on her carpet at Thanksgiving dinner. Except that her reasoning would be more likely due to the fact that clearly turkey should be accompanied by white wine. On the other hand, she is what I secretly aspire to be one day, once I develop a more heightened sense of hygiene.

I own stacks of her magazines - MS Living, Blueprint, Weddings, etc. I almost bought Outdoor Living one time but decided that it wouldn't be a sound investment, given the fact that our "patio" is about 30 square feet. They are all photographed so beautifully, it's like eye candy to me. As a whole, Martha Stewart Omnimedia has created a perfect fairytale world for the modern middle-class woman, and I would like to be a princess in this fairytale. Except instead of a castle in an enchanted forest, I would live a rustic farmhouse on Long Island, and instead of singing skunks and rabbits, I would surround myself with two of every kind of purebreed dog.

The thing about Martha that I admire most is that she is so unabashed in her total ignorance of the way 95% of the population actually lives. I remember the issue last September when they did a big spread of Martha's new kitchen. It was full of helpful ideas for kitchen organization, such as having a second room next to the kitchen for storing dishes, silverware, etc, having a separate vegetable sink, and a cappucino counter. Oh, and having two dishwashers really eases clean-up after a big meal.

My other favorite spread was her Thanksgiving dinner in the horse stables. There's a photo of her and 20 of her "closest friends" at a big long table, dressed in winter coats sitting on hay bales or some shit, while the horses stand in their stalls watching. Now I don't know about you, but after a big turkey dinner, nothing helps my digestion better than the smell of horse shit. And you know they're all sitting there like, "Ummm...Martha, remind us again why we aren't doing this in your mansion across the way? You know, the one with actual chairs and heat, and oh yeah, no horse shit?" However, to be fair, Martha's horse stables are about seven times better than any house I could ever hope to own, and even taking into consideration the feces, I'd still much sooner eat a fallen hunk of food off her stable floor than that of my own kitchen.

The one thing I cannot abide is her talk show. I've only seen it once or twice, but I've decided that Martha is entirely too serious about her craft to chit chat with guests and make witty banter with the audience. It's like asking Noam Chomsky to fill in for Jay Leno - some people just can't mix genius with entertainment. Although once in a while she comes out with something a bit outrageous and completely unexpected, and it makes me love her even more.

Basically I love Martha because she makes me want to pay more attention to little details and put more effort into making my life and surroundings more beautiful. So what if she's got a little bit of Nazi in her?

Here are a few videos for your enjoyment...






Even though she's in on the joke, Martha still can't take it when people fuck with her hospital corners...