short pants romance

Every once in a while I go through this phase of intense genealogical interest where I'm desperate to find out my family history. Being the youngest of four, by the time I came around my parents didn't have much interest in talking about the family. Either that or they figured it was all common knowledge. Being the youngest also meant that most of my relatives were either very old or dead by the time I was old enough to care about stuff like this. My grandmother had my mom when she was 48, and my mom had me when she was 36, so that pushes things back quite a bit as far as aunts & uncles go. Plus my grandmother had a huge family, so I feel like there could be so much going on in my family history.

I've done a bit of investigating online and did find an entry on one of these family tree sites for my grandmother, but the only thing I was really able to distinguish from that was that her middle initial was A, she was born in Queens in 1897 and her husband's name was William (he left the family when my mom was a little girl so I never knew anything about him). I could subscribe to these sites, or go to the trouble of investigating old records, etc. But to be honest, I don't think that's enough for me. I don't really care that much about a bunch of names on a tree, what I'm really looking for is anecdotal history. What was my great Uncle Harry like? What was it like for everyone when my grandfather left? Why is it that Aunt Florie lived with her two sons up until she died, what happened to her husband? And who is this ancestor mine who was supposedly the mayor of Glasgow?

Part of me wants to sit down with my mom and do a This American Life-style interview where I ask all sorts of questions. But first off, I'm afraid it might sound really gay to be like, "Mom, tell me about your family." I know that's a silly attitude, but it seems like something people do in the movies, not in real life, and certainly not in my family - we're not very open about a lot of things. Being the youngest I have this sort of weird "baby of the family" relationship with my mom, where we're not really two adults, we're mother and daughter. I mean, I love her to death but there's certain things that I'm nervous to talk about with her because I'll come across as nosy or open up old wounds that I don't feel entirely comfortable dealing with. I've always been one of those people who doesn't particularly want to see the icky side of my parents, so I'm totally afraid to bring up any overly sensitive topics.

I think I'm going to do it anyway though. I need to come up with a list of interview questions, because I'd really like to know a bit more than the history of my immediate family, which I barely know to begin with. I'm just afraid that one day my mom will be too old to remember and then I will have lost everything.

The most incredible thing just happened on my way home from work. Well, first of all this guy at the gas station tried to pick me up. More accurately, he asked what my name was and then if I was married, all of this while shouting across from the other pump where he was standing. Clearly his standards are quite high.

But then this magical thing happened. I've been in a real Queen kick lately, and I particularly love the song "Somebody to Love". It's the sort of song I wish I could've sang in the talent show when I was in choir in high school. You know, the whole choir singing backup and me belting out the song in perfect imitation of Freddie Mercury. Anywho, I really enjoy singing in the car but I never have anything good on my iPod for singing along. So I was flipping through the stations hoping for something to sing along to, in particular I was wishing I'd hear "Somebody to Love." I was rounding the corner when I heard "CAN....anyBODY......FIND me......somebody TOOOOO......love." Absolutely INSANE! I mean, seriously, how often do you hear that song on the radio? Subtract how long I'm in the car during the course of the day. Subtract how often I'm actually listening to the radio while in the car. Subtract how often I'm listening to the classic rock station. Subtract that I came home later today than usual, and subtract that I got gas on the way home which pushed the time back even further. Absolute fate. Thank you Freddie, wherever you are - probably getting nailed by a bunch of dudes in heaven.

First off, could my last post have been any snobbier? After I read it I was like, "Jesus, how many times can I possibly name drop Dostoevsky?" In all sincerity though, I do enjoy his books, and some do consider him one of the greatest novelists of all time, so it's not like it's all that obscure or hard to understand. I think maybe I like the combination of the fact that his stories are very dark, but take place in the 19th century, so they're not really *depressing* per se since I can't quite relate.

Ok, onto the fact that I'm as big as a house at the moment and I can barely stand to look at myself. Everyone thinks that having a dog is fantastic for exercise, but that's a total misconception. Well, probably once your dog is old enough to be capable of walking for more than ten feet without stopping it works out great. But for now my level of inactivity rivals that of Jabba the Hut and there's only five weeks left until we get the beach house. I need some sort of stressful event in my life that will worry me so much that I completely lose my appetite for a few months. You know, like a wedding. That worked out pretty well last year.

In theory I enjoy the idea of being part of a book club. The problem arises when the other people in the club don't have the same taste in books as I do. Yet another problem is that I'm sort of a snob. Well, more accurately, I'm a slow reader, so when I do undertake reading a book, I tend to want to read one that's worth the enormous amount of time it's going to take me to read. So I was invited to join a book club and we're reading this book called "The Inheritance of Loss." First off, I'm knee deep in the horribleness of Fyodor Karamazov at the moment, and I'm afraid if I put it down I'll never pick it up again. Also, is this book going to be some typical book club schlock? Who knows. The reviews on the cover sound good, but that doesn't necessarily say much.

On the other hand, maybe I'm a slow reader because of the books I choose. I mean, I'm not sure how many people fly through Kafka or Dickens. Well, maybe they do and I'm just dumb. But when I do read more current books, I tend to get through them quicker, but as I've said before I feel like there's all these classics I have to get through first. Sort of like eating all your vegetables first so you can get it over with and enjoy your mashed potatoes. Maybe I need to start reading fun classics, like Treasure Island - that one's been waiting patiently on the shelf for a while now.

The good thing is that this "Inheritance of Loss" book has nice big print and I'll hopefully sail through, so maybe it's time to give up the snobbery and admit that best sellers can be good too. Worse comes to worse I'll at least enjoy the drinks at our book club meeting.

My sister and I always pontificate about my mom's issues with being happy. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that my mom has this martyrdom thing going, where she seems to intentionally sabotage herself so that she has an excuse to be unhappy about everything. I think in the end she has this religious belief that we're not put on this earth to be happy, we're put on this earth to toil and eventually reap our reward in the afterlife. She is constantly sacrificing for no real reason, and sort of looks down on people who follow their hearts rather than keeping up the status quo, and I really believe that it stems from her religion. My sister and I were just talking about it recently, and then I read this amazing paragraph in "The Brothers Karamazov" which I'm reading right now, where a revered elder monk says, "If I seem happy to you...you could never say anything that would please me more. For men are made for happiness, and anyone who is completely happy has a right to say to himself, 'I am doing God's will on earth.' All the righteous, all the saints, all the holy martyrs were happy."

While on the topic of religion, I must confess that, while I don't go to church, I am a bit alarmed by atheists. When someone tells me they don't believe in God, I feel so sorry for them, because it must be a very frightening thing to feel like we're all here randomly with no cause or purpose, and there's no greater force at work. Like I said, I've never been a churchgoer, I've certainly "sinned" quite a bit in my life, and I think the Bible is probably quite a bit of mumbo jumbo, but in general I'm pretty confident in my relationship with God, and while I do question all of the horrible things that happen on this earth, it's never really made me consider the alternative. I'm a reasonably intelligent and very logical person, but I just don't understand how people really believe that everything we have today is the result of completely random chemical processes. After all, the laws of the universe would probably have to have a lawmaker in the first place, wouldn't they?

Ohhhhh folks. My poor little neglected blog is falling into the great refuse pile of the internet.

I'm not sure why Greg and I never take pictures anymore, it's a little bit sad. Both of us used to carry our cameras everywhere and snap shots of little bits here and there. I would go so far as to say it was a big part of my life. Now when I go to update one of my many internet profiles, I have nothing current to choose from for my profile pic. Of course, the problem is that no one is around to take lots of pictures of me, and I think I'm getting a little too embarrassed to take pictures of myself anymore. The only ones I have anymore are of either the house or Porter. A sad state of affairs.

Day 8: 127

Don't quite know what's happening with my weight, I can't figure out why I've stopped losing. Happy hour at the Cantina really screwed me.

We're heading to Florida on Saturday for a few days to visit my aunt & uncle in Daytona Beach. I am soooooo looking forward to kicking back for a few days. After this long cold winter all I want to do is lay on the beach and bake for a few days, let the sun see my limbs and warm my bones once and for all. My aunt & uncle also have a very sweet set up, because they are rich and have no kids so they can afford two separate ocean-front condos: one for them and one for guests. Which means we get to stay there, hang out with them at dinner and be on our own the rest of the time. That may sound selfish, but trust me, being a childless older couple, they get sick of visitors very easily so having us stay in a separate place will be a welcomed reprieve from entertaining.

So sufficed to say, I'll not be posting for a few days, starting Saturday....so you'd better get your fill of my delightful thoughts and observations while you can.